i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
