Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize