One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
