mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize