She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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