Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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