I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
