I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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