I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
