Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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