I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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