You smell like a Billy Joel song
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
