I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
