Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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