Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
