but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
