"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
