Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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