Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
