Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
