i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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