She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize