in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
