Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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