How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
