Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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