wanna go halves on a baby?
You can't motorboat a personality
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
