i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
