She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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