i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
