I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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