i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The best revenge is premature balding
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
