Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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