I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
