Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
