Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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