i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
