How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
