im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
