chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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