Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
