I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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