OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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