Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize