No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
