paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
