she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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