I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
