Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize