well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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