just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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