Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
