Swine flu. Run for my life!
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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