i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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