Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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