Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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