I want to have your abortion
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
