After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
