Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
