just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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