Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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