you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize